These were our top entries for the October edition of Poetreel Monthly Competition:
My Burden, My Gift - Clementina Owumi
https://poetreel.com/track/rO2QQmcWFHVceGN
Poetry: My Gift, My Burden - Samuel Hope
https://poetreel.com/track/oodogQub4APkyPl
Optimist-My gift, my burden (Akingunsola Victor)
https://poetreel.com/track/mPJNKEs5MU6pNrU
Gift Or Burden By Ifeoma Elechi
https://poetreel.com/track/uGk2pzZEOPSleMy
Poetry: My Gift, My Burden - Mmachukwu Chukwumelu
https://poetreel.com/track/Pruw3ErC9y11uj3
Poetry my gift my burden - Peace Micheal
https://poetreel.com/track/QtH2J5jv9znllUT
My Gift, My Burden - Joseph Daniel
https://poetreel.com/track/y83eoTLVN5dtRyY
These are the comments by our Judges:
Saint Rhymes (Judge 1):
Akingunsola Victor
Good attempt. Your rhyme scheme is good, but was too predictable. Invest more in learning about other poetic devices.
Grrraciano (Judge 2):
Akingunsola Victor
It has a conversational tone and lacks the deliberate craftsmanship and structural organization to bolster its potential as a compelling spoken-word poem. The first lines look too machinated.
Highlight(s): great use of metaphors and analogies.
Area(s) for improvement:
Punctuation and lexical organisation.
Consider working on your mode of delivery, both on page and performance. Also, consider deploying words that suit your choice of concept when delivering your piece. Looks bland. Nothing in the poem compels an audience to return to the poem.
Judge 1:
Ifeoma Elechi
Great poem. You did well with the use of some poetic devices. keep improving
Judge 2:
Ifeoma Elechi
Great delivery. Nice attempt at storytelling. Very evocative, and all-immersive with rich vivid imagery and relatable metaphors. Steady rhythmic flow while maintaining the message of the poem.
Highlight: epigrammatic use of words and great tone of delivery drove the message home
Area(s) For Improvement:
Consider maintaining the tempo while and when approaching the end of your piece to end on a captivative note. Consider word economy. Terse language is the lingua of poetry.
Judge 1:
Clementina Owumi
Great use of imagery. I like your poem. It has Authenticity & Vulnerability which creates a strong connection with the reader.
Judge 2:
Clementina Owumi
Great delivery. Brilliant and witty use of Similes and Metaphors. Awesome blend in linguistics; from pidgin to English.
Very relatable analogies.
Highlights:
The excellent use of allusions, imagery, and similes, followed by a well-suited delivery tone reinforced the message.
Areas of Improvement:
Consider completing your thoughts. More research could help. The part you said "thread themes on..." would have been better written as "threads themes with the needles of..."
And the last part, you missed a golden opportunity to end with a poetic device called "anaphora". It's like seeing a child who is struggling to pay school fees using the Domaine De la Romanée-Conti 1945, a gift to wash his hands.
Judge 1:
Mmachukwu Chukwumelu
This poem is rich! Nice blend of imagery, metaphor, enjambments, and delivery. Keep improving.
Judge 2:
Mmachukwu Chukwumelu
Generous use of words, amazingly regular rhythm. A greatly delivered piece with a beautiful narrative style. I saw paradoxes and ironies, where a burden makes the burden bearer weightless, even though you didn't sufficiently explore that, in my opinion.
Highlights:
The rich use of metaphors and similes brought out the vividity of the imagery used in the poem.
Area(s) For Improvement:
Stop nibbling on mildly on your style. Go all the way and be more intentional so we don't think it was accidental.
Judge 1:
Peace Michael
Good poem, but your delivery needs to improve. When last did you attend an open mic or a slam?
Judge 2:
Peace Michael
Not so great a delivery, lacks poetic creativity, and carries too little emotion for a poem.
Highlight: concise and moderately rich in metaphors and similes. Great use of biblical allusion too.
Area(s) For Improvement:
Consider improving on Punctuation, pronunciation, and lexical organisation. Also, consider using your voice to unearth the emotion buried in the poem. Finally, consider exploring more poetic devices other than metaphors and similes to bolster the creativity of your poem.
Judge 1:
Joseph Daniel
Nice try. I believe you can do better. Here is my advice, find a place to hone your craft like an open mic. Your delivery needs to be worked on. Apart from that you have good content.
Judge 2:
Joseph Daniel
A concisely delivered piece, witty and creative too.
Highlights: Great opening. It's almost the perfect style for an advertisement — compelling enough to make anyone stop to listen.
Area(s) For Improvement
Consider improving the tone of your delivery. Also, try staying on the message of your piece. The issue with starting well is that it becomes difficult to continue the quality to the end.
Your poem is rich, but the delivery isn't impressive. I particularly like this line "A heart as determined as light Must stand firm like a candle tall"
A few lines feel wordy or cliche eg. "What shall his gift be, they quivered".
Judge 2:
Samuel Hope
Great rhythmic flow.
Highlights:
Classic control of rhythm and rhymes while being expressive at the same time.
Areas Of Improvement:
Consider majoring in using contemporary English for relatability and to appeal to your overwhelming contemporary audience. Work on your opening lines. They didn't sound appealing enough to stop a scrolling audience to stop and listen.
One thing to note:
Joseph Daniel:
This entry came in after the deadline had lapsed. Thus, for the sake of fairness, it is ineligible to win in this October edition. However, we appreciate the thought and effort put into submission, which was why it was acknowledged by the judges.
The top three poets are:
3rd: Ifeoma Elechi
2nd: Clementina Owumi
1st: Mmachukwu Chukwumelu
Congrats to the winners, do check your inbox on poetreel.com on or before November 15, 2024, for further information about your prize.
The November edition of the Poetreel Monthly Competition starts on November 1, 2024. More details will be available via www.poetreel.com/blogs
Let the words rain, so words can reign!!!
King Olulu
0 commentaires